Republicans

(Based on "21 Rules For Being A Good Republican", a joke circulated over the Internet, origin uncertain)

The Economy

The nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault.

Those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

Regulations

Government should stay out of people's lives, but government should make sure dating and marriages are opposite-gender only.

Government should regulate what your official language should be.

A waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.

The ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.

Our government should shun any support for the arts. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

Environment

Pollution is OK, so long as it makes a profit.

Large multinational corporations should not be subject to any regulation or interference whatsoever.

The lumber from the last one percent of old growth US forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

Religion

Prayer in schools is good, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

Sex

Condoms should be kept out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

Only your own teenagers are still virgins.

A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body.

The AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate. Besides, the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

Biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality. The Bible however is good reading.

Bill Clinton

It was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other US presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

Enrico, 03/07/01

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